EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”