[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
#Caturday
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles