1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
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It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
two people or more is called a problem
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.