Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.