BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)