Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.