If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”