Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
just gave your address to some spiders
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK