If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My plans: 2020:
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.