“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
You Might Also Like
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
this makes me so uncomfortable
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.