If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Just grow your own
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis