dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
You Might Also Like
how to have an accident 101
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
subtitles are so good nowadays
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?