me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Brother?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better