“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof