this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?