Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
WHO DID THIS?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please