REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
when dads have a rap battle
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes