When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.