Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
tourist season
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*