Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Sign at work today
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.