Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.