(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP