My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
You Might Also Like
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
True
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.