Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
very niche meme I made
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Good morning
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.