Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”