Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.