Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
You Might Also Like
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
i love meeting boys on tinder
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Sticker placement is key.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.