“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is