I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
You Might Also Like
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”