Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Great acting.. 😂
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..