When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet