He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
You Might Also Like
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither