What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.