they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Wait a minute…
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
(Gaming support cat.)
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Fries, not lies.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*