While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR