Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You Might Also Like
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.