*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.