Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
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*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
only 11 steps left
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.