If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy