drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
New favorite tiktok
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
The “baby” on the left….
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that