hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.