FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?