Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”