her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one