Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Name another movie that mislead you?
When I win the lottery I鈥檓 going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I鈥檒l go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here鈥檚 my ID
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I鈥檓 fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you鈥檝e got no way to tell if you鈥檙e seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Funny because it’s true. 馃ぃ
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I鈥檝e endured at potlucks, how鈥檚 your Monday going
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
i actually laughed 馃槱
I鈥檝e been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.