Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
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this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so