Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
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Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
the prophecy has been fulfilled
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.