“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.