Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo