Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.